Bad House

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8 Mar 2012

Stucco Shotgun Shack
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Mascara-like stains trail from the oddly placed windows and undersized dormers over the ruddy complexion of textured stucco. Spindly wrought iron columns support a tacked-on portico like stiletto heels.

The poster child for Southern California dwellings, this two-and-a-half story house sports all of the ubiquitous elements: stucco box, tile roof, and functional, no-nonsense windows. But it's the special touches that make this place a forward-thinking architectural gem.

An undersized dormer window on the side and vent hole up front provide light and fresh air for the 2.5nd level, which either serves as a love den, yoga studio or hydroponic farm.

Parking is a breeze, with cars able to practically drive into the living room. A pair of drive-through windows were installed along the driveway to make the pick-up of merchandise more convenient and discreet.

Multiple garden windows harness solar energy for the living walls, which improve interior air quality, paving the way for LEED certification.

On all counts, this stucco shotgun shack is a model of the multi-use dwelling and contemporary urban planning.
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25 Feb 2012

Extreme Sports Shack
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The outdoor enthusiast owners have integrated a rock climbing wall into the masonry elements of this dwelling, making it possible to finish their commute, pull up in the driveway, slap on their carabiners and go.

In what has turned into a weekly tradition, the neighbors partake in what has become known as Extreme Grilling, a sport that requires participants to climb the wall, and smoke meats on the top of the chimney.

To make things interesting, an old UHF antenna was converted into a lighting rod for stormy day adventures. Belay on!
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9 Feb 2012

Unfauxgiven
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Lessons in (un)restraint. The sheer number of materials used to coat this house is the fashion equivalent of a rhinestone-bedazzled jean jacket and tight jeans on a Real Housewife of Dallas.

Of the many elements of design exploited by residential architects, none are as easy to get carried away with as texture. After all, who can resist caressing the side of a building?

With a few cans of paint, a nail gun and some mortar, any do-it-yourselfer can transform their plain suburban box into a french villa, victorian bungalow or log cabin. Throw in a couple of doric columns and, voila, you've got yourself a colonial plantation manse. Or all of the above.

Behind the razor sharp edges of a box hedge lies this charming cottage, decked out with a melange of materials. Nature gives way to civilization as field stones rise from the terroir, forming the foundation for more formal red brick. A series of scalloped siding is finally capped by herringbone patterned asphalt shingles. Whew.

These owners, clearly students of design, transformed their abode into a case study home, a veritable encyclopedia of every building material known to man. Not all of the neighbors appreciate the didactic design and think they know the real story.

One theory holds that, as children's book authors, the owners wanted to create an homage to the three little pigs' in one house--straw, twigs and bricks. Another theory is that the previous owner was a building materials salesman, and this was his set of sample swatches.

Or maybe this is all a big tease.

After all, how can you not want to undress this beauty with your eyes, gently peeling off the fish-scale siding and river rocks like so many lacy undergarments? These faux finishes, like a rainbow of eyeshadows and botox, tart up the place. It's no wonder why this hosue has eanred the disdain--or is it jealousy?--of it's neighbors. But I bet they'll let you have a touch if you ask.
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28 Nov 2011

Mormon Compound
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Inspired by the no-nonsense practicality of pilgrims on the frontier, this humble abode is like a slice of Salt Lake or a touch of Texas in the middle of Los Angeles. No doubt designed by an aspiring architect cousin of the owners, the remodel was necessary to accommodate a growing family and extended family members.

Devoid of non-devout flourishes like corinthian columns, shutters and landscaping--hallmarks of most suburban homes--the residence leverages it's simple assets into a minimalist style that proudly runs against the grain of contemporary design sense.

Cascading peaks of white fascia mimic the Utah mountains, sheltering the industrial attic air vents that add texture and rhythm to the facade. Undersized windows moderate sunlight entering the complex, and are slightly more defensible during federal raids. A white arrow above the porch marks the house's entryway that's just right of center.

In a nod to the architect's deconstructionist influences, the unfinished door and exposed sprinkler plumbing are the only creative flourishes allowed to poke through the veil of modesty that descends over this home.

Even though the kids are mysteriously absent from the front lawn, there's nothing to fear here, neighbors. Even federal employees like the mailman are made welcome with the semi-permanent US Mail bin on the porch where the menfolk can often be seen drinking ice-cold cans of lemonade or fruit punch on hot afternoons.
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21 Sep 2011

Houses That Would Be Modern Masterpieces: Parts II & III
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See the rest of these houses that would be modern masterpieces online at the LA Weekly
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8 Sep 2011

Houses That Would Be Modern Masterpieces (Part I)
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Despite what Dwell Magazine says, you don't have to be rich and live on the Westside to have a forward-thinking modern house. So take note you students of SCI-Arc, you patrons of Pomona School of Architecture: these Southland homeowners leveraged ingenuity and pracgticality to contstruct affordable abodes that redefine modern architechture.

You will be assimilated: The Borg ship has landed in LA.

The residents above, for instance, were able to merge the practicality of right angle architecture with their fondness for the Borg of Star Trek.

Twin tower chimneys flank each end of the house like warp drives, echoing the tailpipes of the similarly designed SUV in the driveway. Tan textured stucco wraps no-nonsense aluminum windows that, despite their views, remain sealed with vertical blinds ("Shields up!") The glass block windows on the left continue the security-minded design, providing enough protection against phaser blasts, yet allowing solar radiation to enter the bowels of the ship.

The architects preserved the original front of the dwelling as a nod to history -- or to create the impression that the ship landed directly on the back of the house.

Resistance is futile: Before shacking up in LA, the Borg had a few skirmishes with Jean-Luc Picard
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26 Aug 2011

Miniature Golf Maison
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Fantasyland lost: A husband and wife work out their differences though home design.

The couple who live in this home may not always see eye to eye, but they've still managed to harmonize their aesthetic differences in this clever contrast of design elements . He's the pragmatist, focused on preventing home invasion. She's the optimist, softening her husband's design choices with a fantasyland miniature golf course. But the couple's relationship took a turn for the worse when the husband filled in the aquamarine water feature (and three holes) to make room for a motorcourt for his Riviera.

What was once a friendly competition has turned into an entrenched difference of opinion. She sanded off the teal paint on the iron bars; he planted asparagus fern in the wishing well. The blades of the windmill obstacle suddenly gummed up and froze after a hundred golfball-sized dents mysteriously appeared on the car.

The nieghbor children are no longer able to play a full round of mini-golf as they once did in those heady days of yore. But on the flip side, there is a bit more street parking now.
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8 Aug 2011

Home Cookin': Houses That Wish They Were Restaurants (Parts II & III)
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Is it a house or a fish 'n' chips joint? How about Mexican Restaurant Revival architecture? Check them out them out in my blog entry for the LA WEEKLY!
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11 Jul 2011

Home Cookin': Houses That Wish They Were Restaurants (Part I)
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The Olive Garden meets Zankou Chicken in this homage to pan-mediterranean architecture and cuisine. The circus tent awnings reflect the playful nature of the family that lies within the secure perimeter of a bullet-proof wrought iron gate and wall guarded by lamp-weilding lions. All the better to keep the paparazzi away from the camera-shy movie star patrons, or that Hummer safe since it can't fit in the garage.
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29 Jun 2011

Suburban Ski Haus
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This quaint little abode evokes thoughts of the Alps: dairy cows with their bells ringing across green pastures, gleeful children dressed in lederhosen, yodeling, busty blondes slinging beer.... It's a much nicer version of life than our land of choked freeways, skater kids in baggy pants, sirens and medical marijuana dispensaries. Well, mostly.

It's no doubt, then, why these proud homeowners have built this homage to the Motherland. Wide swaths of lush pastures (bermuda grass) sweep up to the brick walkway which leads us to a glorious pair of double doors. Their green Coke bottle glass windows outlined with white pastry trim may block the light, but I swear I can hear Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer strumming guitar and singing a duet inside.

The real architectural triumph here is the A-frame roofline, propped up by giant stair balusters and finished with gingerbread fascia boards. Not even the southern california sun can melt these idyllic ice sickles, frozen in time like a Thomas Kinkade vision of light. Clearly, the owners hide their car to remain anonymous rather than succumb to the overwhelming accolades of the masses.
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